haha... juz got back home from lot 1... first day at sch always sux huh... supposed to meet zhanyu dey all, but too tired, so decided to go lot one lor... go buy my stuff at pOpular... but didnt see d cute de guy today... haha... only saw aunties smiling at mi... maybe they think that i'm one of them... got people ask mi out tmr leh... haha... go his friend's chalet... but think i not going, coz i dunno his friends wat for i go right? and i got 8am lessons on wed... still havent play wif calista today leh... when i left home she was soundly sleeping... nowdays she always sleep wif mi and kick mi nia... so naughty.... wait i old le she throw mi out of d house... haha... oh yah... wendy's rom nxt mon... i gonna buy a 'tong kat' for her as i promised yesterday... wahhhahaha... maybe go gardian see hav anot lah... if dont hav i buy wheelchair... i not gd de... i so bad... =) yesterday saw bustard and mi take de lovecard when i was packing my things... my tears juz got wet... i dunno... but i still didnt throw it away... i kept it in my makeup pouch... aya... forget it... dont wanna think abt d bad things... so blog till here le... haha... =) 

so tired nia... long day today... got long long story also... about wendy... abt d customer service and d hell thingie, i really can faint man! hah.. and she even cried today... to think that a ger like her can also cry... should tape it down... anyway, collected my belayed bday present from shan juz now... thanks sisters... haha... =) oh yah, and bought 2 wallets as christmas present... one for sis maybe one for nicole de mama... haha... coz he dunno wat to get mah... today almost got run down by a car nia, but i didnt die... i hav long life mah... den can see my loved ones everyday... haha... school starts on mon... seems like it juz started... but nvm... hah... gonna find teresa on mon, coz long time no see her le, den got appointment wif zhanyu on tues... wed and thurs long day, so go sch only... fri sat and sun work, for $$ and get pay... maybe looking forward to next next wk bah... den find one day free go lot 1 find him as i promised... hee... actually, someone had juz told mi that since wat had happened last yr, i dunno watz love anymore... actually itz quite true, coz nowdays, when epople says that they miz mi, i dont feel a thing lorhz... itz bad, coz i havent feel touched for a long long time already... when will d day comes again?? haha... now i concentrate on work , studies and calista... i wanna find d other half oso leh, but hard lah... where to find? orchard rd or bishan park... haha... if u all noe where to find faithful, cute, lovable, hugable, caring, thoughtful, sincere guys, tell mi leh... haha... but not quite possible lah... i dont carry much hope either.... maybe i will buy a puppy one of these days... they suits all d above criteria...  

this LV bag chio sia... haha...y are all guys d same? all d same... all hav only one thing in common... aya... dont feel like saying... so sian... maybe i should be like nicole nia... learn to like gers... but he's doing good... he tried kissing mi last night, but i covered my mouth... haha... that muz be a real turn off for him... anyway, going back to work tmr... till sunday, den mon start school again... so sad... nicole would be flying back to canada and he said he wont come back anymore... nvm lah... u go le no one cry wif mi, no one listen to my lame jokes, no one "long pang" mi to sch if i'm late, no gay friend le... argh... but i cant stop u from going home de mah... haha... so... go lor... go... nxt time i will go find u wif calista... maybe u get popular le... den wont reconise mi... den i will slap u... haha... no lah... will miz u lah... free muz call mi lor...  

today went to lot 1 to hav lunch wif hao peng you... coz i not working todat mah, den she so long didnt see mi le, so meet mi up lor... den we had sake sushi... everytime eat sushi until abit scared nia... haha... anyway went to window shop for awhile... den saw a 25 hour booth having promtion... juz look at d watch lor, den suddenly this promoter appeared in front of us... he quite cute lah... den serve us lor... i ask whether got staff discount anot den he say if i noe him 2wks earlier then can lor... haha... lame lor... but he very cute lor... i wanted to buy a watch for dad, coz christmas coming le mah... so i decided to buy lor... den went down to basement to withdrawl $$... den when i went to seiyu again, he told mi he wrote d garantee card le... noe wat? his name oso called bernard nia... i quite stunned, den stupidly ask "y u oso call bernard"... den he smile smile... cute nia... i was bz checking d watch den he showed mi his ic... den i ask y u take ur ic out... he said he wanted to show mi his name is bernard mah... haha... this world got so many bernards can understand lah... but y this 2 bernards i noe like similar one leh... same silly silly de... haha... den he ask mi to wait for him, coz he wanna go for break... den waited for him lor, coz my friend oso in a hurry go meet bf, no time to accompany mi... he very 'kuai' de... i tot he wanted to smoke, but didnt lah... we went to hav delifrance... wierd sia, coz we know not even 1 hr we're already eatting together... i den had mocha only, coz not so hungry... then talk talk lor... he finished ns le... den juz started working not long ago lor... 22 this yr lah... but really very cute lor... den 1/2 hr pass very quickly... he gotta go back to work le... actually i'm his 1st customer for d day... so he quite touched... den he say will miss mi... haha... quite funny lah... den when he say bye to mi, he looks like gonna cry nia... then when i reached home he smsed mi, and said "remember to come find mi when free, k"... haha... will find him soon de lah... coz i forgot to ask him adjust d watch... sTUpId nia... hee... but he is really CUTE.... =)

so tired nia today... sometimes i wonder whether am i d only one around who is so tired of living? i noe i shouldnt be saying this, coz i'm only 18... but sometimes i feel so sick... really... i cant carry on anymore... actually i tried killing myself b4, but it didnt work... now that even if i wanna kill myself, i dont hav the courage to do so... if i die, i can see whether the people i love would cry for mi... but if i really dies, i will be so lonely... y am i saying all these.. haha... i dunno oso lah... juz now saw augustine and her sister wif a baby... she told mi d baby 4mths old only nia... so small... but very cute lah... today bought things for calista... spent around $50 plus... nvm lah... coz getting my pay 10 days later... juz dat my bill havent come only... i need to sleep; really... please come back again tmr! cheese =) 

haha... boy and girl kissing... so sick... only now then free to bloggg... haha... working tmr lor... today work wif jane and kelly, that's y time passes very fast... tmr will work wif dat BITCH, wendy XU... hate hate hate her mannn... so brainless and uncivialised... behaves juz like a crow!>! pity her soon to be husband... anyway, that's none of my business... i thought abt many things today... now i funally understand le... that's y i dont dare look into his eyes... my heart was like thumping out from my throat... that's lame i noe... dunno y also... haha... watz impt now is to make $$$ only... so wont care abt other things for now... =) 

i juz had dinner... so full... went to so many places today... haha... went to causeway, then to sembawang, then back to jurong, then finally to jp, then found wat i wanted... felt so happy, coz i almost gave up when suddenly i saw that movie... omg! thought i was dreaming... many things happened lah... saw bustard... i felt like crying... not that i hav feelings for him... itz juz dat i really felt that i'm a failure myself... i dont wanna see him... no! and i saw clifton... but he couldnt reconise mi... if he did, he should be laughing... =) someone sent mi a msg in friendster... itz quite meaningful, wanna share it wif u guys... here it goes... "Firstly I must admit,u have great sense of humour
and u r witty in ur own sense.I enjoy reading the
stuff u wrote...Very creative,easy flow and funny!
On matter on love...Its would be so easy to love u
but maybe ur Prince charming hasnt arrived yet.
Be easy on that as...after all u r still so young...Why
tight urself with commitment in a relationship when
u should be enjoying ur teen age with total freedom
...besides all that...why limit urself with one when u
have ample time to choose;-)
My words for u..."Sometimes or most of the time...
U dont find love...Love finds u"
Be happy and make the world a happier place to
live..." meaningful huh... coz he's 30+ mah... so more matured... maybe u all wont understand what he saying... but i do lah... =)

 

yah... going back to work le... had a small talk wif dad this morning... talked abt many things, coz he quarreled wif mom last night when mi and sis went out... this quarrel is not those usual ones... but is a big big one... dad's in a big mess now... so i will do my best to help anyway... well... i always thought that true love is always smooth sailing... no fights, no quarrels, no anything... juz LOVE... well... time hav proved mi wrong... thru real life experiences and looking at the things around mi, i am still struggling... what is love? i dont intend to know... i really dont... bcos i hav more impt things to do... if u found someone u really liked, it really doesnt even matters if u dont get to be wif the person forever... anyway, i think i'm gonna stop asking myself this qn, coz it wont gimme an answer... NEVER... ya... and i found out something today... "CHOCOLATES CAN INPROVE SEX LIFE"... wahhhahaha.... NO WONDER!!! =) 

juz got home from amk polyclinic... had lunch at breeks wif mom and sis... hah... mi advertising for breeks... yeh... getting my visa mini at the end of da mth... =) actually meeting teresa and her daughter today... but i really very tired le... weak lah mi... work 2 days only got backaches... argh... what to do? last night didnt really slept well... thought abt alot of things on my bed... sometimes when i look or hear from other people, i tends to think abt myself in d past... yah... and i really regreatted doing alot of things... hmmm... there's nothing i can do now also anyway... so juz leave it behind... i dont blame it on my life, or god for giving mi such a miserable life... like wat i heard from a sister from marymount church, she told mi that there arent mistakes in life... there are only lessons to be learnt... well... now that i hav really learnt my lessons, so what? there's no turning back... only calista made mi feel like living... sometimes i really feel so helpless... i often cry... alone... i juz didnt want people to look at the pathetic side of mi... i dont want people to pity mi... that's y i will share my unhappiness wif no one... not even dad and mom, coz i had already upset thim enough... i dont wanna make them worry abt mi anymore... i want them to feel that i'm doing fine to them... everytime i look at calista, i juz smile... nv regretted havin' her... anyway, i was in a mess at that time... i didnt noe wat to do oso... and the time was so short... it wasnt possibily enough for mi to think toroughly... so... i juz did it... and i didnt regret... not at all... i hav saved her... and i will protect her as long as that i'm around... yah... fellings cant be written to words... so that's all i can say... mucks to all... i love u... 

yah... i just got back home from work... went to hav early supper wif some so called friends... i am fucking tired... juz struggled to have my fucking bath... tmr still hav to wake up fucking early to go to work... wTf?!? i'm in a fucking mood now coz of a few fucking reasons... some fucking friends of mine really did some fucking things that made mi fucking angry... forget abt it... all guys are useless... but not u who're readin' this... =)

nicole juz sent mi some of his new portfolios photos... he's juz way too sexy...

gotta catch some sleep... if not i'll get uglier...

ignore the fucks.... they were juz for fun... nightz... oh yah... and the time is right... i had juz did d changes =)

cute cute de doggie... hee... going to work lor... parentz juz got back... nv felt more glad b4... so hungry... i'm going to kill my brother... he's so lame... d cold joke abt jacky wu... omg! i wanna struggle him... so gd nia them... go the "xia ri muo muo cha" de beach... haha... wed going kimage accompany my sister make hair... aya... always makes mi accompany her... same mother giv birth de mah.... y we so different?!? she so timid de... haha... eugene wanted to tell mi abt d fat dino lah... but i bz... free tell mi ar... oh yah... forgot to ask u guys to watch jurassic park that day nia...haha... think i better stop here... if not i will get uglier for talking bad abt other people...  

stupid day... woke up at 6am in da morn to play wif little calista... can u imagine... 6am, sunday morning?? i felt so pathetic... luckily she went back to sleep at 9, den we both slept till 2+ i think... nothing to do mah... den d laundry so full... so decided to throw everything in for a spin... den wanted to hang the clothes out... actually i've never done this all my life lorhz... i mean, i didnt hang it out b4... so today i tried to... and i think i almost dropped downstairs... so heavy... wonder how my mom did it... this still small thing... then suddenly dunno y like going to rain... i went to keep the clothes lorhz.... itz even worse man... haha... den i dunno wat to do also... and itz still outside now lorhz... hope it dont rain... haha... my mom coming back tmr finally... den wait for her to keep lah... stupid lah... if she comes back today den gd lor... but no plane tickets le... so they gotta take the stupid train.... tmr morning then will reach.... agrrr!!! sianz...  

hav been living wif this the past few days... but finished le... haha... whoever who buys one box for mi right now i sure marry him one nia... wahhhahaha... this few days slack at home wif my calista lorhz... eat lotsa rubbish oso... ate alot of lays potatochips, chocolates, strawberries, cookies, cheesecake... haha... necessity for my life man... haha... nothing to do at home so rot lor... rot wif calista talk to her rubbish... if my mom dont come back soon, mi and cal and my home will really become a rubbish chute... hah... think itz already is... so long nv had a proper meal le leh... everyday eat rubbish... in the process of growing sideways le... haha! aya... so fast sat le... one more day den monday gotta start work le... kaoz... people having holidays i still gotta work... hmmm... wat to do?!? agrh...  

hmmm.... so tired... so bored also... this week not working so play wif calista lor... so bored... this girl can yack alot... yesterday went to hav supper wif family till quite late bahz... even calista also sleep le... if everyday no need work no need go school can just spend money... will be so fantastic... now dunno what she doing... kicking some things then very noisy... then saw her laughter all my worries suddenly fade away le... hmmm.... tmr will finally turn 18... den can 'guan ming zhen da' de buy cigarettes le... theese few days not feeling very good... smoke quite a few packs le... since they in malaysia, will ask them to buy a few more packs back for mi... haha... 

so tired sia today... but still okay lah... going swimming later... yesterday celebrated my 18th bday wif my family... my sister bought mi a mango cake... quite pretty lah... free i will upload it... hehe... so fun... no bf oso nvm lah... love from calista lah, from parents lah, from sis and brother enuf le lah... this scorpio nice ar... tribal de scorpio symbol... will update my blog soon to keep u guys updated lor... =) 

cant get to sleep so decided to meet nicole at 302... it was at 5+ then... he juz finished work and his hair stinks... anyway, i told him my miserable story and he juz laughed... then he pinched my cheeks... i'm forever his xiao mei mei... but he asked mi not to think so much... actually i really hated the girl who ditched nicole... i mean... y did she?? and she made him become a gay... sorry nicole, itz not an insult, itz juz... ridiculous...

we talked for awhile until a guy came to join our conversation... it waz nicole's friend, michael... but dunno bi anot lah... nichole told mi they were from the same modeling agency, juz that michael was more popular...

they both then went to the gents for quite some time... 15 min i think... felt quite bored and sick, coz some ah peks walked passed and kept staring at my legs... coz i was wearing shorts... then started searching my phone... it wasnt on the table, neither was it in my pocket... i searched everywhere.... even inside nicole's jacket and helmet... no sight of it... gosh... i was so sad... i just wanted to cry... yesterday i lost my dear and today i lost my phone... i've nv been more sad than ever...

the sell kopi de aunti asked where were my friends... i said in the toilet... she told mi the toilet was empty... god!! wat am i gonna do?? cant call nicole too... itz still too early to wake my mom out if i call back home... there's no point either... so walked everywhere to search for nicole and michael... until i reached lot1... i saw michael outside mc... he told mi nicole was bashed up by some ah bengs... i wanted to call the police but... where's my phone??

michael was an idiot... why cant he do anything?? anyway, he juz continued puffing his stupid cigarettes and i looked everywhere... then finally i saw him, walking out from the post office po box... he looked okay, juz that his checks were swollen... yah... he got punched... but he was still a man; compared to michael...

nicole then 'sayang' my head like he always did... then asked mi wat happened... i wanted to hug him and cry... but i didnt... tears juz rolled down my cheeks... he knew what i was crying for... for that HIM... coz only he knows exactly how much i loves him...

den he took out my phone and told mi... "i sat outside the post office to look at ur inbox to see if i can do anything"... then i "HUH!"
he wanted to help mi patch things up wif mi... then out of nowhere someone pulled him to the letter box to punch him....

i felt so touched and juz hugged him... he hugged mi tightly too, and i could felt his heart beat... he was actually more silly than i am... i waited for him outside "tom and stefanie" and he rode his bike from 302 to send mi home...

actually, nicole noes mi more than i noes myself... he juz kept saying "if u wanna cry, juz do it... it'll makes u feel better"...

i juz simply told him that i didnt want to... so wat if i really still loved him?? if we really cant be together, there's nothing i can do either...

then he smiled and said... that's y i escape reality and love guys instead...

somehow, i feel so touched... i was not alone... i still hav my dear nicole...

it ended... juz like that... should i cry? or should i laugh?? well well well... itz all expected... but somehow i feels lighter now... itz less stressed u see... then i dont need to wait... wait for him to sms, to call, to book out... just hugged calista tightly when i reached homee... didnt sleep the whole night... juz kept thinking... maybe i'm not fated to be in love bahz... =) so decided to 'ren ming'... so now, i decided to give up... there's no true love... true love dont exist... i was born to hate people... 

yah... i'm awake... at tiis time... hee =)
cant get back to sleep...
my life is in a mess now
a big mess...
i dont know wat to do,
how to clear up everything...
maybe my long deserved holidays,
will bring mi back to life again...
=)
did badly for exams...
and...
shuckz...

i'm tired... i am... really... not going on anymore... i'm giving up...

hmmm... so many things happened this week... everything dont seems to be doing right... had a few papercuts when wrapping presents which i nv had before, got traped in a lift, forgot to bring my gastric medicine, dropped $10, sprained my leg, got insulted by wendy, had a fight wif lenny when i saw him at my workplace... chatted wif nicole until quite late, coz not working today mah... long time nv talked to him le... he still d same lor... still so emotional... he working at some pub now, so would be very bz lor... aya... very irritated... study sian... no study oso sian... xiao calista can sit le... so happy... she somehow made my day... =) so lonely... something seems to be missing... maybe is HIM bahz... in open field so cant call mi... den HL and zhanyu studying for test at SP... supposed to go to d beach today... but d whether sux, so sleep better... if only i can sleep all my worries and troubles away, i dont wanna wake up anymore... hmm.... results coming out in 2 dayz time... hope i will get thru it... god bless bless bless mi...  

nice tee huh... saving up to buy this for myself... hmmm.... very tired today, tmr still got full shift... sianz... really dont like wendy... she really cannot make it lor... suckz man... got this guy asked for my hp no. hee! but didnt giv lah... he muz be cursin' mi... bought a soft toy for calista... she very happy... think gotta spend more time wif her... or else she very poor thing... *yawnz*... muz work hard... so will hav $$ to buy christmas presents... den can celebrate!!! haha...